ROGER EBERT: MAN OF MOVIES

“You can bark like a dog all your want, but you’re still a baboon.” Bertrand Russell to Roger Ebert. 

 I hate to complain, which begs the question, “why do you complain to much?” My answer? To get it right. Tonight my complaint concerns the CNN tribute to the late ego-bloated television personality, Roger Ebert. I give my limited exposure to this Ebert love fest thumbs down, or as The Ebert would put it, “half a star for being artistically inept”, and, “failing to achieve what it set out to achieve”, that being to convince the viewer he was nothing other than a shameless self promoter. (My understanding of what any movie sets out to achieve is simple: to make money.) 

 This lout had no other intention in newspaper work than to earn money. The regular newser “film critic” was out with the poorlyables while The Ebert was in grad school while newsing, until he stumbled into BONNIE AND CLYDE. That doctorial dissertation on English Lit. suddenly was as remote as his Catholicism was to the Avignon Papsacy. Given the choice between covering a wreck inside the Loop and sitting in a dark room for two hours then writing on a subject he knew little or nothing about was as clear as a summer’s day under an azure sky. It mattered not he did not know the difference between a jump rope and a jump cut; he was a “film critic!” (Good thing for him it wasn’t an opening for a ballet critic) Wow, Hollywood is famous for making instant experts on subjects the expert didn’t know existed but a few hours before. 

 “Tonight class, we will examine the importance of an actors eye line in the BEST FILM EVER MADE, CITIZEN KANE” (always the correct answer to any question in The Movies). He became famous when joined up with Gene Siskel (the reviewer who at times would find a film he was reviewing more interesting were it two reels of the leads eating lunch. Which brings to mind the lines from THE PRODUCERS: “Take money! Buy bullets! Shoot the actors!” “You can’t shoot the actors! They’re not animals!” “Oh no? Have you ever eaten with one?”). 

 Oh yeah, is a film thumbs-up, or thumbs-down or deserving of stars, one, two, three, four, or who gives a shit? It put films right up there with Mister Blackwell’s best or worst dressed list (to port or starboard) End reel one; pop,pop,pop, beep!